Familial Estrangement Overview (Part One)

Please understand that I know some people are truly poisonous, dangerous, cruel, and evil. I’m not suggesting reconciliation with those people. That’s not what this place is about. However…

It’s becoming pervasive, isn’t it? This chosen divide between family members in search of safety has become an increasing part of our culture.

Those leaving have given up on working things out or trying to be understood. Leaving seems safest and cleanest. They’re done with trying to be understood and become increasingly reinforced in their point of view. Seeing themselves as victims, disappearing is just easier and appears to be the only way forward.

Those left behind are bewildered, frustrated, grieving. The world’s rules changed without telling them how standards now work. They feel hopeless and sad, angry and betrayed. No one listens to their side.

Families used to stay together, work things out, talk, argue, yes, but in the end, stay. Gave each other grace. Honored elders, took their contexts into account. Were patient. It was parent-heavy. Children often were the ones who needed to be patient.

Their parents had often given their lives for the benefit of their children. Their time, money, energy went to their children rather than themselves. It may not have felt like love, but it probably was, in some form.

The world changed, as it does. Reasons for the change are everywhere.

Sitcoms that stereotyped parents and grandparents in negative or derogatory ways. Laughed at, unreasonable. Kind of dumb, easily brushed aside. Disregarded, tolerated. Disdain nurtured.

A shift in culture that encouraged self-awareness, prioritizing self-health and self-care. Good in balance, but as in most pendulum swings, swung too far. “Self’ became all-important.

Counselors and therapists categorized parents as dangerous, having never met them, never hearing both sides. “There are two sides to every story. The first one to speak sounds true until you hear the other side and they set the record straight.” Proverbs 18:17 So therapists encouraged separation. For safety.

Dopamine hits are delivered with the label of victim. Every time either side tells their friends of how they have been wronged, they receive sympathy and are reinforced in their rightness. It feels good to be the victim. Your endocrine system rewards you every time your victimhood is reinforced. Pathways become entrenched in the brain, reinforcing stereotypes.

Confirmation bias. Once we have decided to categorize a person, to put them in a box with a label, everything they say or do confirms our diagnosis. The most innocuous comment. The sweetest smile. The most innocent gift. All can be taken as confirmation of a vile intent. This keeps us from being fair, open-minded, or even willing to see from an unbiased place.

Accusations, defenses. Neither side can hear, only feel. Divisions deepen. Grief turns to bitterness. Time and distance make reconciliation seem unimportant and even impossible.

Darkness celebrates. Our enemy absolutely loves this.

Because this isn’t God’s way.