Knowing Your Child's Love Language

Love your people the way they feel loved if you want them to feel loved.

This is my take for your children from The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

In case you’re not familiar with the Love Languages, here’s the concept in a nutshell:

Each of us understands or feels more loved if love is expressed to us in one of these 5 ways. Since we often express love in the same way we receive love, we may be expressing our love language to someone, but they may not feel our love unless it’s also their love language.

Example – My love language is words of affirmation, so I started our relationship telling my husband things I admired about him. I was telling him positive things, but he did not experience love in that way, so I investigated and changed how I expressed my love for him. His love language is quality time. When I began going into his office and sitting down for a relaxed chat, he began to feel more loved by me. (These ways of expressing and receiving love are for everyone, not only children.)

Here are my thoughts on expressing love to your individual and unique child:

- Words of Affirmation (words that build up your child)

Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death…”

DO: Make it a point to verbally express respect, give credit for hard work, and praise them for doing well. They crave it. It expresses love to them. Tell them they are beautiful, handsome, funny, whatever. Encouraging words are especially appreciated, as are kind words. Be sincere!

DON’T: How can you hurt a person whose love language is Words of Affirmation? Lashing out verbally at this person is brutality to them. And using empty compliments to manipulate them is devastating. (Example – Smiling in their face and telling them how wonderful they are, and then asking them for a favor – teach them to watch out for people who do this in order to manipulate them!) Refusing to support them verbally for good things is coldness to their soul.

CAREFUL: Be careful that your positive comments are not solely based on their achievements, because your love for them will seem conditional. Also verbally express your pleasure in who they are, their appearance, their sense of humor.

 - Verbally enjoy these intelligent, funny, personable people.

- Quality Time (undivided attention)

James 4:8 “Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

DO: Make it a point to spend time with them often, face to face, without screens (although screen time together is fun too), valuing the person enough to want to be with them, valuing their opinions and thoughts, listening and responding. Be relaxed, maybe take them out for breakfast or a walk.

DON’T: How can you hurt a person whose love language is Quality Time? Neglect spending enjoyable time with them.  No matter how busy you are, find time through the day to focus on them. Of course, you probably cannot completely indulge a child’s wish for you to pay attention to them whenever they would like, because you have things to do. But you can tell them that you’re hurrying to finish washing the dishes so you’ll be able to sit down with them and play or read a book together or talk.

CAREFUL: If you don’t make a point of spending time with them, they will often withdraw from you, sometimes without you even noticing. Or they may act out in order to get you to look at them. Even if you are angry with their behavior, at least you are fully present with them. If you notice either withdrawal or acting out, pay close attention. Don’t force them to go to others who will spend time with them, possibly with unhealthy motives.

 - Enjoy spending time with these interesting, thoughtful people.

- Gift Giving (a thoughtful token)

James 1:17 - “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.”

DO: Make it a point to often present thoughtful gifts to this person. Expense is completely beside the point. One of my sisters-in-law has a spiritual gift of prayer, and when my brother took home a book on prayer to her, she was blessed. A book on leadership, which would have been perfect for HIM, would have made her sad at his lack of thoughtfulness. A pretty flower, a new purple pen, their favorite fast food – these are thoughtful and individualized gifts.

DON’T: How can you hurt a person whose love language is Gift Giving? By disdaining their desire for receiving gifts as selfish or greedy, or by giving them things that show no insight into their heart and tastes. That’s the opposite of love, no matter the expense. Care enough to know their favorite color of flower before you buy. Pick up a fall leaf and tell them you thought of them when you saw how beautiful it was. They may save it forever.

CAREFUL: People with this love language, if it is seldom expressed to them, can become needy and grasping. You may see them as greedy or selfish unless you are aware of their need to receive love as tangible objects. Please accept who they are and love them.

 - Enjoy thinking through gifts that would suit and please these often sensitive and intelligent people.

- Acts of Service (serving them in ways they will value)

Ephesians 6:7 “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people…”

DO: Make it a point to serve your person with a positive spirit so they feel loved. True acts of service require intentionality, time, and energy. One of my brothers-in-law has this love language, and my sister told me she just makes him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and he thinks that she’s “A Rock Star”. This may be your child’s love language if they are so blessed by your service to them that they thank you when you make their bed or bring them a sandwich. You’ll see in their eyes that they feel loved.

DON'T: How can you hurt a person whose love language is Acts of Service? If you resent doing acts of service for them, they’ll see it, and it will remove the love. Also, please don’t require that they always do chores, unless you are also serving them.

CAREFUL: People who receive love this way may not express love this way, so you really have to do these acts of service without expecting reciprocation. If you start to keep a mental score of what you have done for them and what they have not done for you, you’re heading for bitterness.

 - Enjoy thinking what you can do for these warm-hearted helpers that will make them smile.

- Physical Touch (non-intimate tender touch creates emotional closeness)

Mark 9:36&37 “Then he put a little child among them. Taking the child in his arms, he said to them, ‘Anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf welcomes me.’” Jesus was a touch-er. He touched the untouchables, even lepers were healed at His touch, dead people came back to life at His touch, children were blessed by His touch.

DO: Make it a point to touch your child’s head, face, shoulders, rib cage (careful - tickling with boundaries can be a fun expression of physical affection, but stop before it gets out of control or uncomfortable for them). Rub their feet, hold them on your lap, reach out and touch them as you walk by.

DON’T: How can you hurt a person whose love language is Physical Touch? If you rarely touch them, it will feel like you don’t even like them. Any sort of physical punishment with these children will be felt in their soul, so be careful with corporal punishment – these children may need to be disciplined in other ways.

CAREFUL: If they do not receive tender touches from you regularly, as in daily, they will be vulnerable to someone else who does touch them tenderly but wants to use them. They need your physical love.

All child sexual abuse is from the pit of hell itself and completely messes with children’s minds and souls, often for a lifetime. Of course, you know that you need to teach every child about appropriate and inappropriate touching, but that goes double for those with this love language. If they are taken advantage of sexually, they will mistakenly believe that they are loved only if they allow themselves to be used sexually.

 - Enjoy snuggling and physically interacting with these affectionate people.

Remember, everyone is blessed by all these expressions of love. We all need them all. But everyone feels especially loved in one or two of these ways.