We all have been damaged by living in this fallen world. But we don’t have to be defeated by it. A pattern of forgiveness is a major factor in how much you heal and live in peace.

Disclaimer –

Before I even begin here, let me make one thing perfectly clear – forgiving those who have harmed you does not require you to make yourself vulnerable to dangerous people.  (Forgive and Forget – NO.) There are some people who we should not trust, and some who we must not trust.  Proverbs 4 is a whole chapter about being wise.  Verse 23 says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” 

We all have our own journey through life, and we are all damaged along the way.  Some suffer far worse injuries than others.

As children, we all had parents who were imperfect at best.  If we were blessed, they were at least well meaning, but some children do suffer from intentionally abusive parenting.  For others, it’s more like neglect. Childhood struggles are normal, but that doesn’t mean they don’t cause damage. We are all vulnerable to our parents, and usually those are complicated relationships.

I regret to bring up that some of us are sexually abused, sometimes by people who we trust.  I was.  Sexual abuse can be very difficult to forgive.

We get into school and sometimes it gets better, but often anything about us that makes us different also makes us a target for our peers to ridicule or worse.  I had a few strikes against me, and elementary school and junior high were really hard.  I withdrew to safe places like reading books in my room.

Then as young adults, we often enter dating and marriage relationships.  If life were perfect, we would marry healthy, strong, happy people, from healthy, strong, happy families.   I have heard that happens sometimes!  More likely, we date or marry people just like us in that we are all wounded and broken people who have all learned strategies for getting along in life.

It’s easy for us to be wounded in our marriage relationships because that is where we are most vulnerable.  Even the best and most loving spouses will accidentally say something that makes us feel bad.  Sometimes we marry truly abusive people, who cleverly hide behind charm or manipulation.  Sometimes we are betrayed by a partner who strays sexually or emotionally.  Sometimes we are the one who strays and causes pain to others.

Friends may fail us and cause us pain.  Words wound us, betrayal wounds us, physical and emotional abuse wounds us.  How difficult it is to forgive those who deliberately or carelessly cause us pain!

This can cause us to find ourselves in a mental rut. 

The mind is an amazing thing.  Once we find a way of thinking that makes us feel better, or comforts us, or makes us feel safer, we return to it.  As we go there again and again, we make a pathway in our brain, so that our default setting becomes self-protection. Picture it like a rut in a dirt road.  Every time a wheel travels over the road, the rut gets a little deeper. 

Here are some strategies we use to protect ourselves mentally:

 - Going somewhere else mentally if our situation is intolerable

 - Isolating ourselves from others

 - Talking relentlessly to others so that they will never see who we really are

 - Having angry conversations, sometimes with the person who caused us pain, sometimes in our own head

  - Talking about how we were wronged with our friends because we get sympathy and encouragement

 - Here’s a common and lethal one - falling into the trap of Victim Mentality

Life as the Victim:

If you blame others so you don’t have to admit your part in any problem, you come to see yourself as a victim. Having a victim mentality can make you feel better, because it puts the responsibility for your life on someone else. BUT - as long as you blame others for your problems, you cannot change your story.

Our natural response to pain is to protect ourselves from more pain by continuing down the path of self-protection and refusing to forgive the person who we see as causing the pain for us.  At some point we are faced with a choice - to forgive or not forgive.  It may sound like a very small thing.  But that choice makes all the difference in who we become.

What keeps us from forgiving those who cause us harm?

 - Fear of vulnerability and resulting continued pain

 - Our right to be angry and hold a grudge

 - Friends keeping anger burning through re-hashing and stoking the anger

 - Maybe not knowing how destructive unforgiveness is – to us!

 - Unforgiveness is the deliberate choice to not forgive, either a person, or a system (maybe a church),

 - Or ourselves, or even sometimes God

What does unforgiveness result in? 

 - Internal Prison (stuck)

 - Loss of relationships, loneliness

 - Hard heart

 - Bitterness

 - Stress

 - Health problems

 - A guarded, self-protective perspective

Why should we consider a Lifestyle of Forgiveness?

#1 - most important for followers of Christ – because we are forgiven by God

#2 – God tells us to forgive others.  Bottom line, plain and simple. 

Scriptures about forgiveness:

“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.”  Colossians 3:12-14

 “…and be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32” and

 “Pray like this: Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come soon. May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. Give us today the food we need,

and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one." Matthew 6:9-13

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:9-14”. 

When Christ was hanging on the cross, some of His last words were, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

#3 – the only alternative to forgiving an offender is to have a heart that is guarded, closed off, and bitter.

“No!” you may say.  “I can carry that coldness and self-protection against only that one person, and I can still be loving and caring and open to everyone else.”  Maybe you can, for a while.  But unforgiveness changes people.

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Hebrews 12:15

I have a little story about a root that I saw one time. We lived close to the Molalla River when it flooded one year, quite a flood. After the water had gone down, we took a walk along the bank and noticed that it had been cut back a ways. We decided to walk along the river’s edge below, and when I looked up at the new cut-out bank, I saw a root that was at least 5, maybe 6 feet long, about 1” to 2” across. What was up there? We marked the spot and went back to look at the plant. All we saw was a flat weed top about 4” across, less that an inch tall. I had walked over thousands of weeds just like it without realizing the depth of their roots. A root of bitterness can grow very deep.

We can have good roots, deep roots that grow down into the love of God and His Word. Or we can have bitter roots that harm many people.

If ever anyone had a right to be bitter, it was my husband’s grandmother Mattie.  And she carried it like a banner, coloring her whole life with bitterness from her terrible childhood. Every conversation until she was in her late 80’s circled back to dreadful stories from her past.

Shortly after I married into the family, I made Christmas wreaths for gifts because we were desperately poor, but we wanted to give gifts and we lived around lots of evergreen trees. So I made wreaths from metal clothes hangers and greenery. We arranged to go see Mattie that December. When she answered the door, I held out the beautiful fragrant wreath and said, “Merry Christmas, Mattie!” She sort of snarled out, “What’s this going to cost me?” I was horrified and told her it was a gift. This was my introduction to her bitter heart. The years of bitterness continued to rob her life of happy relationships and joy.

You may say, “But I’m not like that!  I would never be like that!” In truth, probably there are few of us who would end up like Mattie.  But the choices we make do take us down a pathway!

Maybe we choose not to forgive.  We still have to cope with the damage we have suffered. 

What are some strategies that we use to deal with pain?

 - Suppress, ignore, pretend it’s not there

 - Focus only on the present or the future

 - Become addicted to things that make the pain go away (drugs, alcohol, food, television, books, computer)

 - Think about the pain often, roll it around in our minds = victim mentality

 - Rationalize our poor behavior – I’m not as bad to my kids as my mom was to me

So – let’s say that you are willing to take one step down the path towards forgiveness.  What does the first step look like?

Take a second to write down the name of a person who has harmed you deeply.  Briefly write down what they did to you.  Write down how that is still harming you - what are the ongoing consequences?  Write down how you contributed to the wrong if you did, or how you have been wrong in your ongoing reactions. 

Ask for God’s forgiveness for any part that you played. Then ask for His help to forgive the other party.  Ask to see the situation from God’s perspective.

That’s it. That’s the first step.

Now listen - When you forgive someone, sometimes there is a dramatic result of freedom from the pain and the past.

But more often, forgiveness is a process.  Remember the ruts we talked about?  It is easier to return to old brain patterns than create new healthy thinking, to go back to the bitter ruts.  New and healthy patterns for our brains must be intentional and repeated.

We are blessed to have the Holy Spirit for our Helper, God Himself, who is committed to helping us live healthier, more godly lives! That means prayer has to be part of forgiveness, and it’s most likely a daily thing for a long time, depending on the amount of damage that has been done.

The word Repent means that we agree with God that we are doing something wrong, (in this case, Unforgiveness), then choosing to turn around to walk the path of forgiveness.

For some of you, prayer may not be a part of your life.  Yet prayer is the key to living a different way.  If you have never given control of your life to God, today may be your day.

Jesus gave His life to offer us a new life, and He freely offers His forgiveness to you for every bad thing you have ever done or will ever do.  If you are ready to let go of your past and lay your heavy burdens down, if you want to live a new life in freedom from guilt for all the wrong that you have ever done, if you are ready to give control of your life to God, would you pray this prayer with me?

“Thank you, God, for loving me and for sending your Son to die for my sins.  I’m sorry for the wrong things that I have done, and I choose to receive Jesus Christ as my personal Savior.  Now, as your child, I turn my entire life over to you.  Amen”

Maybe you have already asked for forgiveness of your sins before today, but you have never handed over control of your life to God.  Maybe today is the day for you to pray this prayer:

“Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for my salvation.  I confess that I have hung onto control of my life and my heart.  Today I have decided to turn control of my life over to you.  Please have your way in my heart.  Help me to forgive those who have caused me pain.  Make me more like Jesus every day.  In Jesus’ blessed name, Amen”

So let’s say that as of right now, prayer plays a vital role in your life.  Every day, then, can start with a prayer that God may be allowed to do work in your life that day. That’s simple enough, but makes a surprising difference.  How can this work practically?

Let’s relate this example to bitterness, but this can be translated into any area in which you need God’s help.

Say you are going about your day, minding your own business, washing dishes, changing diapers, paying bills, going to work or just sitting and scrolling on your phone – whatever.  Out of nowhere, you suddenly realize that you are mentally reliving an unhappy discussion you had with your spouse or a close friend, or a betrayal you have discovered, or you realize you are rehashing thoughts of bitterness, shame, resentment, revenge – dark thoughts.

The moment you realize what is happening, you are faced with another choice. If you choose to indulge and mull over the wrong again, re-rash what was done and how wrong it was, what you should have said or would like to say now – that digs the old rut deeper and keeps you trapped in the painful situation.

But if you choose to walk down the path of cooperating with God and forgiving others - how much healthier and happier! Oh, how we love it when our children eagerly obey!  How much God must appreciate it when we obey willingly, or even eagerly.

So once we forgive, it’s done, right?  We never have to think about that or deal with it again?  Rarely.

If the old rut opens under our feet and we realize that we can barely see the sky?

Pray!  Ask God for help!  Call a trusted friend who will give you a hand up!

Turn your back on those old thoughts and tell God you don’t want to be a bitter person anymore. Tell Him that you want to be a thankful and joy-filled person.

Forgiveness frees us to look forward, “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 3:13&14

We all have been damaged by living in this fallen world. But we don’t have to be defeated by it. A pattern of forgiveness is a major factor in how much you heal and live in peace.